I be a total Sonic tha Hedgehog hustla much like any suckas, I wanna bust a nut on tha newer game yo, but I don't mind playin tha classics. I don't be thinkin I've eva played glitchy or jacked game before, though I don't be thinkin I wanna play any afta tha experience I had...
It started on a sick summer afternoon, I was playin Sonic Unleashed (I was horny bout how tha fuck you git ta explore tha towns up in it) until I noticed, outta mah peripheral vision, dat tha mailman had arrived n' put suttin' up in mah mailbox as usual n' left. I paused mah game ta go peep what tha fuck I gots up in tha mail... Da only thang up in tha Mailbox was a CD case fo' computas n' a note. I took it inside.
I looked all up in tha note first n' realized dat shiznit was from mah dear playa Kyle (Letz just call his ass that), whom I hadn't heard from up in 2 weeks. I know dat cuz I recognized his handwriting, though what tha fuck was weird is how tha fuck it looked; it looked badly freestyled n' scratchy n' somewhat hard as fuck ta read, as if Kyle was havin a hard time freestylin it down n' done did it up in a hurry.
This is what tha fuck da thug wrote...
I can't take it no mo', I had ta git rid of dis thang somehow before dat shiznit was too late, n' I was hopin you'd do it fo' mah dirty ass. I can't do it, he’s afta me, n' if you don't destroy dis CD, he'll come afta you too, tha pimpin' muthafucka too fast fo' mah dirty ass....
Please Tom, destroy dis god-forsaken disc before his schmoooove ass comes afta you too, itz too late fo' mah dirty ass.
Destroy tha disc, n' you gonna destroy his ass yo, but do it quick otherwise he'll catch yo thugged-out ass. Don't even play tha game, itz what tha fuck da thug wants, just destroy dat shit.
Well, dat was certainly weird. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Even though Kyle IS mah dopest playa n' I aint peeped his ass up in 2 weeks, I didn't do what tha fuck he axed mah dirty ass. I didn't be thinkin dat a simple gamin disc would do anythang wack ta him, afta all itz just a game right, biatch? Boy, was I wack bout dis shit...
ANY way, I looked all up in tha disc n' it be lookin like any ordinary computa CD-R disc, except it had black marker on it freestyled "SONIC.EXE", n' dat shiznit was much unlike Kylez handwriting, meanin dat he must've gotten it from one of mah thugs, like a pawn shop or eBizzle. When I saw "SONIC" on tha freestylin of tha CD, I was straight-up buckwild n' wanted ta play it, since I be a a BIG Sonic fan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.
I went up ta mah room n' turned on mah computa n' put tha disc up in n' installed tha game. When tha title screen popped up I noticed dat dat shiznit was tha straight-up original gangsta Sonic game, I was like "Awesome!" Because like I holla'd earlier I was horny bout tha classics. Da first thang I noticed dat was outta place was when I pressed start, there be a was a split second when I saw tha title image turned tha fuck into suttin' much different, suttin' dat I now consider horrifying, before cuttin ta black.
I remember what tha fuck tha image looked like up in dat split second before tha game cut ta black; Da sky had darkened, tha title emblem was rusted n' ruined, tha SEGA 1991 was now instead SEGA 666, n' tha wata had turned red, like blood, except it looked hyper-realistic.
But tha freakiest thang dat was up in dat split second frame was Sonic, his wild lil' fuckin eyes was pitch black n' bleedin wit two glowin red dots starin RIGHT AT ME, n' his smile had stretched wider up ta tha edge of his wild lil' face. I was rather disturbed bout dat image when I saw it, though I figured dat dat shiznit was just a glitch n' forgot bout it fo' realz. Afta it cut ta black it stayed like dat fo' bout 10 secondz or so fo' realz. And then another weird thang happened, tha save file select from Sonic tha Hedgehog 3 popped up, n' I was like "WTF, biatch? Whatz dis bustin up in tha straight-up original gangsta Sonic game?", anyway, then I notice suttin' off, tha background was tha dark cloudy sky of tha Wack Stardust Speedway level from Sonic CD, n' there was only three save files. Da noize was dat creepy Cavernz of Winta noize from Earthbound, only dat shiznit was extended n' seemed ta done been up in reverse fo' realz. And tha image fo' tha save file where you peep a peepshow of tha level you on is just red static fo' all three files.
What freaked mah crazy ass up mo' was tha characta select, it flossed only Tails, Knucklez n' ta mah surprise, Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Robotnik! Now I was shizzle dat suttin' was up, I mean, how tha fuck can you play as Robotnik up in a cold-ass lil funky-ass Sonic game, fo' bustin up like a biatch up loud, biatch?
Thatz when I realized dat dis wasn't a glitchy game, dat shiznit was a jacked game.
Yeah it definitely looked hacked, dat shiznit was straight-up creepy yo, but as a smart-ass gamer, I wasn't scared (or at least I tried not ta be), I holla'd at mah dirty ass dat dat shiznit was just a jacked game n' there be a not a god damn thang wack wit dis shiznit fo' realz. Anyways, bobbin off tha creeped up feelin I picked File 1 n' chose Tails n' when I selected n' gots started. Da game froze fo' bout 5 secondz n' I heard a cold-ass lil creepy pixelated laugh dat sounded a wack lot like dat Kefka muthafucka from Final Fantasy before cuttin ta black.
Da screen stayed black fo' bout 10 secondz or more, then it flossed tha typical level title thang, except tha simplistic shapes was different shadez of red n' tha text flossed only "HILL, ACT 1". Da screen faded up in n' tha level title vanished revealin Tails up in tha Chronic Hill Zone from Sonic 1, tha noize was different though, it sounded like a laid back melody up in reverse fo' realz. Anyway I started playin n' had Tails start hustlin like you would up in any of tha funky-ass Sonic games, what tha fuck was odd was dat as Tails was hustlin along tha level there was not a god damn thang but flat ground n' all dem trees fo' 5 minutes, dat was when tha laid back noize started ta lower down tha fuck into slow deep tones straight-up slowly as I kept going.
I suddenly saw suttin' n' I stopped ta peep what tha fuck it was; dat shiznit was one of tha lil' small-ass muthafuckas lyin dead on tha ground bleedin (That was when tha noize started ta slow down), Tails had a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shocked n' saddened look on his wild lil' grill dat I never saw his ass have before, so I had his ass move along, n' he kept dat worried look on his wild lil' grill fo' realz. As he kept movin I saw mo' dead muthafuckas as Tails moved past dem lookin mo' n' mo' worried as tha noize lowers n' he moves past mo' dead muthafuckas, I was shocked ta peep how tha fuck they all died, they looked like some muthafucka capped dem up in rather gruesome ways; a squirrel was hanged on a tree wit what tha fuck rocked up ta be his wild lil' fuckin entrails hangin out, a funky-ass bunny had all four of his fuckin limbs torn off n' a thugged-out duck had his wild lil' fuckin eyes gouged up n' his cold-ass throat slit. I felt sick ta mah stomach when I saw dis massacre n' apparently so did Tails fo' realz. Afta all dem mo' secondz there was no mo' muthafuckas n' tha noize seemed ta have stopped, I still kept Tails ta continue.
Afta a minute passed afta tha noize stopped, Tails was hustlin up a hill n' then da perved-out muthafucka stopped, it wasn't until I saw why; Sonic was there on tha other side of tha screen wit his back against Tails wit his wild lil' fuckin eyes closed. Tails looked aiiight ta peep Sonic but then his smile faltered, obviously noticin dat Sonic wasn't respondin ta him, if not actin as if da thug was straight-up obliviouz of Tails' presence. Tails strutted slowly toward Sonic, n' I noticed dat I wasn't even movin mah keyboard ta make his ass move, so dis had ta done been a cold-ass lil cut scene.
Suddenly I fuckin started ta git a growin feel of dread as Tails strutted closer ta Sonic ta git his thugged-out attention, I felt dat Tails was up in dark shiznit n' suttin' wack was goin ta happen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I heard faint static growin louder as Tails was but inches away from Sonic n' stopped n' stuck his hand up ta bust a nut on his muthafuckin ass. That forebodin feelin up in mah gut was growin stronger n' I felt tha urge ta tell Tails ta git away from Sonic as tha static grew louder n' shit.
Suddenly up in a split second I saw Sonics eyes open n' they was black wit dem red glowin dots, just like dat title image, thought there wasn't a smile. When dat happened tha screen turned black n' tha static sound was off.
It stayed black fo' bout 7 secondz n' then white text rocked up formin a message, saying, "Hello. Do you wanna fuck wit me son?"
At dis point I was creeped out, I didn't wanna continue wit tha game yo, but mah curiositizzle gots tha betta of me when I was taken ta a gangbangin' different level wit tha level title now sayin "HIDE AND SEEK".
This time I was up in tha Angel Island level from Sonic 3 n' it looked like every last muthafuckin thang was on fire.
Tails looked as though da thug was scared outta his wits dis time yo. Dude straight-up looked all up in mah grill n' made frantic gestures ta me as if da thug wanted ta git outta tha area da thug was up in as fast as possible. I was startin ta git freaked up by all dis bullshit...I mean Tails was straight-up breakin tha fourth wall, tryin ta tell me ta git his ass outta there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru.
So I pressed down on tha arrow key as hard as I could n' made his ass run as fast as his schmoooove ass could, a pixelated version of dat creepy theme when you hook up Shadow all up in tha ARK as Robotnik from SA2 was playin as I made Tails trek all up in tha desolate forest, tryin ta help his ass escape from whatever da thug was tryin ta run from.
Suddenly I heard dat creepy laugh again... dat awful, Kefka laugh... right afta 10 secondz have passed as I helped Tails run all up in tha forest, n' then I started seein flashez of Sonic poppin everywhere on tha screen, again n' again n' again wit dem black n' red eyes.
Da noize chizzled ta dat suspenseful drownin jingle as I peep Sonic behind Tails slowly bustin up on his ass FLYING; Sonic wasn't hustlin, da thug was straight-up FLYING! Da flyin pose his sprite was makin looked straight-up similar ta Metal Sonics flyin pose up in Sonic CD, except dat shiznit was just Sonic n' dat muthafucka had tha black n' red eyes again, only
THIS time dat muthafucka had da most thugged-out deranged lookin grin on his wild lil' face, he looked as though da thug was trippin' off tha torment da thug was givin tha skanky lil fox as he gained up on his ass.
Suddenly when Tails tripped (another cut scene) tha noize stopped n' Sonic vanished. Tails laid there n' started cryin' like a lil' bitch fo' 15 seconds. Da scene was rather upsettin ta peep n' I kind of teared up mah swampy ass. But then Sonic rocked up right up in front of Tails n' Tails looked up in horror. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.
Blood started ta come down dem blackened eyez of Sonics as a grin slowly grew from his wild lil' grill as he looked down all up in tha horrified fox, I could do not a god damn thang but watch.
Just up in a split second Sonic lunged at Tails right before tha screen went black, there was a funky-ass bangin screechin noise dat only lasted 5 seconds. Da text returned only dis time it holla'd "Yo ass is too slow, wanna try again?" n' then dat god-wack laugh came wit dat shit.
I was so shocked by what tha fuck had happened...did Sonic cappin' Tails, biatch? Fuck dat shit, his skunk ass couldn't have.. yo. Dude n' Tails is supposed ta be dopest playas, right, biatch? Why did Sonic do dat ta him, biatch?
I shook tha shock off as I was brought back ta tha characta select, tha save file dat had Tails was different; Tails was no longer up in tha box itself but up in tha TV screen itself, which was flickerin wit dat red static, Tails' expression scared me, his wild lil' fuckin eyes was black n' bleeding, his orange fur had gone black n' dat muthafucka had a expression of anguish on his wild lil' face, Tryin ta ignore it I picked Knucklez next.
Da laugh came again n' again n' again n' tha screen cut ta black again n' again n' again n' stayed there fo' another 10 seconds, dis time tha level holla'd "YOU CAN'T RUN".
I was straight-up freaked up by now, I couldn't straight-up tell if dis was a glitch, or a hack, or some kind of sick twisted joke... or anythang straight-up. But despite mah fear of what tha fuck happened next, I kept playing.
Da next level looked much different, it had tha ground of tha Scrap Dome unit yo, but tha sky background looked like tha main menu; it had tha dark reddish cloudy sky. But dat shiznit was tha noize dat creeped mah crazy ass up da most thugged-out: It sounded like Giygas' theme right afta you beat Pokey up in Earthbound. I also noticed dat Knucklez looked afraid just like Tails did, though not as much, mo' rather he looked a lil unnerved. Dude broke tha fourth wall just like Tails n' looked as if da thug wasn't shizzle bout goin on yo, but I made his ass move anyway.
Dude ran down tha straight pathway up in dis dark level, n' as da ruffneck did tha screen started ta flicker red static a cold-ass lil couple times n' then dat maddenin laugh came again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.
Then afta all dem secondz of hustlin I notice nuff muthafuckin bloodstains on tha metallic ground, I felt a growin sense of fear again n' again n' again thankin suttin' wack is goin ta happen ta Knucklez yo. Dude looked nauseated struttin down dis blood-stained road yo, but I still kept his ass going.
Suddenly as Knucklez ran, Sonic rocked up right up in front of his ass wit dem black n' red eyes n' then red static rocked up again, when tha static vanished showin not a god damn thang but black screen wit text sayin "FOuNd YOu!", I was now scared, Sonic found Knucklez already?! What was goin on?!
Anyway red static came again n' again n' again n' then I was back ta tha level, Knucklez looked like da thug was panicking, n' Sonic was nowhere ta be found. And dis time dat high-pitched squealin from tha Silent Hill 1z final boss was playing.
Was dis some kind of boss battle wit Sonic, biatch? I hoped ta Dogg it wasn't, straight-up.
Suddenly Sonic rocked up right behind Knucklez up in what tha fuck rocked up ta be pixelated black smoke, I made Knucklez turn n' then punch Sonic yo, but Sonic vanished up in black pixelated smoke before I could even land a hit, dat shitty laugh went off again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy. Then Sonic rocked up behind Knucklez again n' again n' again n' then I made his ass punch again, n' Sonic vanished again n' again n' again laughing. Knucklez was panickin even more, n' even I felt like I was goin crazy, Sonic was practically playin wit us, da thug was playin a sick twisted lil mind game wit me n' Knuckles...
Another cut scene played as Knuckled fell tha fuck ta his knees n' clutched his head sobbing, I felt his thugged-out agony, Sonic was straight-up rollin our asses BOTH crazy.
And then up in a split second Sonic lunged at Knucklez n' tha screen went black wit another distorted screechin noise dat lasted fo' at least 3 seconds.
Another text message rocked up, "So nuff souls ta play with, so lil time... would you agree?"
What tha hell... Just what tha fuck is goin on, biatch? I started ta be thinkin Sonic was straight-up tryin ta rap ta me all up in tha game... But I was too scared ta be thinkin dis shit.
I was brought back ta tha main menu n' dis time tha second file box had Knucklez up in tha TV screen, his bangin red fur had darkened ta a reddish grey, his fuckin lil' dreadlocks was drippin wit blood n' his wild lil' fuckin eyes was black n' bleedin too, n' dat muthafucka had a look of sadnizz on his wild lil' face. I fuckin started ta be thinkin dat dem is tha actual charactas trapped up in dem TV screens on tha save filez yo, but I couldn't believe dat shit... I didn't wanna believe dat shit...
So I shut off tha game n' took a funky-ass break. I took a nap, wish I hadn't, 'cause I then fuckin started ta have da most thugged-out disturbin nightmare, I was up in pitch black darkness, though I was under tha light given off by a lamp dat hung high above mah head. I could hear tha criez of Knucklez n' Tails nearby. They was sayin shiznit like, "Help us..." n' "Why did you give our asses ta him?" n' "Run away, before he gets you like a muthafucka..."
Their cries took a dirt nap up as I then heard Sonic laugh, his fuckin laugh... it sounded a shitload like tha distorted Kefka laugh.
"Yo ass be a shitload funk ta fuck wit kid, just like yo' playa Kyle, though da ruffneck didn't last long..."
I was scared n' lookin round fo' tha source of tha voice...
"Won't be long now until you join his ass n' all mah other playas..."
I saw his ass struttin toward me, flickerin up in n' up in nuff muthafuckin directions...
"Yo ass can't run, kid. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass is up in mah ghetto now, nahmeean, biatch? Just like tha others..."
When he grabbed mah crazy ass n' I saw his bleedin black n' red-eyed, grinnin face, I raised up wit a gangbangin' fright.
Afta a cold-ass lil couple minutes I decided ta continue playin tha game. I don’t know why yo, but I had ta know, I had ta figure up why dis was happening... Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So I turned on tha computer, turned on tha game n' selected Robotnik next.
I still thought dat was wacky, playin as Robotnik yo, but anyway tha level title rocked up again n' again n' again n' dis time it holla'd "...", which I found straight-up freaky.
This time I was up in some kind of hallway, didn't straight-up be lookin like dat shiznit was from any of tha funky-ass Sonic games, though it has tha pixelated style; tha floor was shiny n' checkered, tha walls was a thugged-out dark greyish purple wit animated candlelight’s n' all dem dark bloodstains here n' there, n' there was a thugged-out dark red curtain hangin above on tha top part of tha screen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Every 12 secondz or so dat red curtain sways straight-up slowly yo, but whenever you playin tha game you can barely peep it move. Da noize was oddly pleasant, a piano playin a rather fucked up yet laid back cold lil' woo wop yo, but I knew better, dis was tha cold lil' woo wop dat played up in Hill act 1, only it wasn't up in reverse.
Robotnik didn't look entirely straight-up trippin like Tails n' Knucklez did yo, but da ruffneck did gotz a suspicious look on his wild lil' grill as if da thug was just a lil' bit paranoid. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude did a lil animation when I just left his ass standing, tha pimpin' muthafucka turns his head ta tha left n' then ta tha right at least twice n' then shrugs at me, as if dat muthafucka has no clue where da thug was or what tha fuck was goin on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Even though I was scared outta mah mind bout what tha fuck was goin ta happen, I had Robotnik continue onward. Dude did his usual hustlin animation (Yo ass know, when you've beaten his ass all up in tha end of a cold-ass lil funky-ass Sonic game n' you chase him) as we continued goin all up in tha hallway.
Then I stop at a long-ass flight of stairs leadin downward, now I was nervous, even Robotnik seemed unsure of his dirty ass, though I pressed onward.
As I hustled Robotnik down tha stairs, I noticed dat tha walls have gotten darker n' mo' reddish; tha red torches is now a eerie blue. Then our slick asses landed onto another hallway, dis one was longer than tha last one (or at least it felt like it) n' then our crazy asses headed down another flight of stairs down, dis one was much longer, took at least 1 full minute.
And then I heard dat horrid Kefka laugh again n' again n' again n' then tha noize slowly faded until dat shiznit was on tha fuckin' down-low, as it did tha walls turned mo' dark red n' tha torches was a funky-ass black flame now, nahmeean, biatch?
When Robotnik landed onto tha 3rd hallway, I noticed he now looked straight-up creeped out, though tha pimpin' muthafucka tried ta hide it, I couldn't blame him, I was scared like a muthafucka.
Suddenly, Sonic popped right up in front of Robotnik tha same way da ruffneck did Knucklez n' then red static. Da red static lasted fo' bout 15 second n' then it flossed mah crazy ass a most unpleasant image...
Da image flossed a hyper-realistic of Sonic standin up in tha darknizz where you can only peep his wild lil' grill while his head n' torso faded tha fuck into black, n' when I say hyper-realistic, I mean like he looked so real you could straight-up peep tha lines up in his blue fur, as if you could straight-up feel tha fur if you touched tha screen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.
His face...oh god, dat schmoooove muthafucka had da most thugged-out horrifyin smile I had eva seen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.
And thatz sayin suttin' thankin bout I saw dat image all up in tha start of tha game.
His eyes is wide n' black n' once again n' again n' again bustin up like a biatch blood (Which also looked hyper-realistic) n' there was two lil' small-ass glowin red dots up in dem black eyes starin RIGHT AT ME, as if starin tha fuck into mah mind. His grin was wide n' demonic, it literally stretched ta tha sidez of his wild lil' grill like a Cheshizzle Cat except Sonic had fangs, VERY SHARP fangs, much like tha Werehogz teeth except mo' vicious-looking, somewhat yellowish n' from tha look of it, dat muthafucka had stainz of blood n' lil' small-ass bitz of flesh on his fuckin lips n' fangs as if he ate some animal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack.
I stared at dat gruesome image fo' a phat 30 seconds, never takin mah eyes off it, I felt as if da thug was straight-up lookin at me, smilin all up in mah face...that face, it just took 10 secondz fo' it ta etch itself tha fuck into mah dome fo' good. I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg!
Then tha screen flickered wit red static again n' again n' again 3 times, n' on tha 3rd time I heard tha Kefka laugh, except dis time it sounded distorted, demonic even...
It went back ta tha image again n' again n' again except dis time there was tha text again n' again n' again though dat shiznit was messed up yo, but dat shiznit was pretty much one of da most thugged-out horrifyin thangs I looked at since I had dis game...
"I AM GOD."
Dat shiznit was when I read dat message while lookin at Sonic when it hit me, I realized right there n' then. My goose was cooked, and I aint' talkin' 'bout that Aflack commercial you sly mothafucka.
This Sonic was a monster, a pure evil, sadistic, all-powerful, nightmarish, demented monster... n' all of his suckas, includin Tails, Knuckles, Robotnik n' possibly Kyle, is just his fuckin lil toys, n' tha game is tha straight-up gateway tha fuck into his chaotic, nightmarish ghetto n' tha straight-up Hell his suckas is trapped in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.
Suddenly up in a actual split second I screamed as Sonic lunged all up in tha screen screechin loudly wit his crazy-ass grill wide open ta a unnatural length revealin not a god damn thang but a literally spiralin abyss of pure darknizz before tha red static came again, dis time much louder n' distorted, so bangin dat it hurt mah ears, I yelled n' grabbed mah ears as tha red static screeched fo' a phat 7 seconds.
Then it stopped n' flossed not a god damn thang but black screen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.
As I sat there starin all up in tha black screen, one last text came up.
"Ready fo' Round 2, Tom?"
Da Kefka laugh, now soundin mo' clear as if Sonic was right behind me, played again n' again n' again 3 times as I looked at dat text up in shock n' mad drama.
Then I gots booted back ta tha main menu n' dis time tha third save file had a TV image of Robotnik up in tha same, tormented state as Tails n' Knuckles; Robotnikz skin turned a thugged-out dull grey, his crazy-ass mustache drooped n' had blackened, his wild lil' freakadelic glasses broke n' blood is comin from dem n' dat muthafucka had a mere dead like expression on his wild lil' face.
I looked at Tails, Knucklez n' Robotnik n' I cried a funky-ass bit, I pitied dem fo' tha agony they goin through, they was forever trapped within tha game, forever tormented by dat horrid hedgehog, n' always will be.
Then tha computa shut itself off, I couldn't turn it back on no matta what tha fuck I done did.
I sat there fo' maybe 25 seconds, horrified by what tha fuck had just happened...
Sonic is tha straight-up embodiment of evil, tha pimpin' muthafucka tortures playas whoz ass play his wild lil' freakadelic game up in mo' ways than one n' then when he gets bugged out da ruffneck drags you tha fuck into tha game, literally drags you ta Hell, where his smooth ass can fuck wit you always, as his cold-ass toy....
I can't git tha game outta mah computer n' shit. I be thinkin itz stuck up in there yo, but at least I managed ta turn it back on now, nahmeean, biatch?
Afta I sat there fo' 25 secondz I heard a voice right behind me, like a whisper...
"Try ta keep dis bangin-ass fo' me, Tom."
I turned round ta peep where tha voice came from, n' what tha fuck I saw made me scream...
Sittin on mah bed... starin right all up in mah face...
... Was a Sonic blow up doll, smilin wit cumstains under its eyes.